sorry to continue on with a subject that we're all hurt by, and can't seem to shake, but a few people suggested i pass along my short recap of the past two days in lower manhattan. my heart goes out to anyone who lost friends, family or even acquaintances, in an event that i have trouble putting into words even now. simply the worst experience of my life.

i live about a block from washington square park and go to school at nyu. my first year was tainted by an accident of my own doing when i broke my knee last fall, and it seems this fall will make that seem like a distant memory of happy times.

my walk to school on that beautiful tuesday morning took a dramatic turn to the ugly side. my experience was nowhere near as shaking and chilling as the experiences of others who frequent the financial district.

right around 8:40 i left my apartment on fifth ave and started my walk to school. wasn't long before i heard a low flying plane overhead. i (along with others) looked up, and watched its path. from where i was, i could see the explosion and knew it had hit the wtc. you could certainly hear the boom of the crash.

curiosity got the best of me and my instinct was to walk down fifth towards the wtc, to get a good view of the towers, see how bad the damage really was, etc. i wasn't the only one to take a detour to check it out. at the time, i don't think anybody suspected anything but a horrible accident. after all, the wtc is (err, was) the tallest building in the city and the empire state building was hit by a small plane decades ago (yep, i knew this before hand! *smart*) and *it* didn't fall! (hypothetical thought at the moment, or something)

the amount of smoke coming from the tower was shocking; it was obvious that it was a major crash. as i made my way downtown, i got to probably within 15 blocks of the wtc when the second plane hit the south tower.

the explosion was unreal... people were screaming, ducking and covering their heads even where i was, some crying. the whole scene seemed to take a quick turn from an 'oh look the wtc is on fire let's watch' attitude to a real 'oh_my_god' attitude, and people were just staring in shock.

the thought of the towers coming down crossed my mind but i wouldn't have in a million years thought they would actually fall after taking the hits they took. needless to say, i was wrapped up in the event, trying to make calls on my cellphone to tell people to get out and look at the smoke, but only got through to one person before i just got a dead line when trying to call. still with both buildings being hit by planes, i didn't feel like the situation was dangerous from where i was, but knew it was a major event.

my curiosity and instinct to see it even closer got the best of me once again and i continued down church street and was in my 'watching' position between reade and chambers st. i guess i can repeat that no way did i think the towers were going to fall.

lots (well, lots isn't a good word, there were hundreds) of sirens, lots of people yelling, people crying, mostly people just in shock staring at the towers, like myself. when people started to jump, people on the streets covered their eyes and faces, were in tears... it was very hard to watch. with the building being so tall, it seemed like it was just sitting there burning. how the fire was going to be put out didn't cross my mind. i mentioned so someone that it's 'going to take months to rebuild them' .... little did i know.

when the tower started to collapse, the feeling that went through me, i really can't describe. my hands covered my mouth in shock, the sight was beyond unreal to see with my own eyes. that it was one of the twin towers collapsing, made it all the more unreal and hard to believe. the building seemed to turn to dust, and just started coming down as if it were professionally demolished. the collapsing itself was despite tragic, amazing to see. i seriously didn't expect either tower to fall. it was more than a shocking catastrophe.

the cloud of smoke and dust that almost instantly began to build from the collapsing building was also unreal. looking back on it, it was kind of like a huge tidal wave that people just started running from. more yells, more screams, more of that horrid feeling, but now moving probably 30mph in all directions. forget calm... i wasn't calm. i was getting the fuck out of there.

people went into doorways or moved (um, ran) uptown. from where i started, i felt the dust and smoke would get at us a lot faster than it did in reality, since i wasn't in the dust at all. when i got uptown maybe 10 blocks, the sight was so devastating. it looked as if a nuclear bomb went off there. it was completely shocking. i could not believe it, really.

when the other tower collapsed, it just complicated the dust problem down there. well, not only the dust problem i'm sure. it was a scene i don't think anybody could fully comprehend at the time, despite being so simple and blunt, and right in front of our eyes. i for one didn't want to believe it, that the city just lost its tallest buildings and worldwide landmark. it was like, inside i was screaming 'noooooooo' ... and i've only lived in ny for a total of about 10 months.

there was a lot of energy the entire day tuesday. probably the most energy i've ever felt. i'm sure my heart was racing for about 8 straight hours. it felt like 10 minutes, but it was already 2:00 in the afternoon... the dust and smoke was massive. the event had completely occupied most of the city. i don't know exactly where i lost my cellphone, but it was gone.

i had switched to a different bag than i usually take to school and my wallet with id, etc, was in my other bag in my apartment. i had my apartment key and about $60 cash in my pocket. i stopped at my apartment only to see if my roommate was there, and to try to call some people. she wasn't, and i couldn't. at the time i didn't realize that i didn't have my id. i threw a couple heavy books out of my bag and locked the door.

the possibility of not being able to go home tuesday night also didn't come to me until that fact had also passed. so i found myself midtown around 3:00, 3:30... it really had just happened, in my mind. to say i was in shock would be a gross understatement. it was more like overwhelming and withering on any and all levels. since most of the people i know are in the village or downtown, and my phone was gone, all phone booths were packed with lines of dozens of people (if they even worked), i walked to the apartment of two of my oldest friends who live uptown. fortunately, he was home watching the events on tv. his wife (who works at columbia med ctr) was of course not home, and he hadn't heard from her all day, for good reason.

i was able to reach my parents about 5:00pm using his cell... that was the only line that would work and even then, it took about 50 tries before finally getting through. trying to reach other people was basically not even a consideration... how would i reach them, where to call them. it wasn't possible.

the shock and devastation of the day was felt through yesterday. my best friend and roommate hadn't contacted me, the friend i am staying with, or her parents through yesterday evening. since i knew she was at nyu when it happened, i trusted that she was ok but just unable to communicate. nonetheless, i was still worried about her and many of my friends. our parents in florida were wrecked, respectively. how couldn't they be, seeing the scene on tv... complete devastation of lower manhattan. i still can not put it into words. it really felt like an attack of war had happened tuesday.

last night i was able to eat and sleep, if you'd call it sleep. as the day went on, i started to remember more and more people that i know in one way or another, who work in the financial district or in the wtc. friends of mine, and friends of my family. i can't even begin to attempt to find out if they were among the thousands of people who never came home from work after the devastation. based on where the planes hit, and where their offices were, i suspect at least a couple didn't make it. but i, like tens of thousands of people, have no way of knowing now. what i do know and am beyond grateful for, is that my close friends and family are ok. i think this is the feeling most people have. a feeling of being so grateful and concerned at the same time.

yesterday and today, the shock is beginning to turn into sickness, as this all starts to set in a bit. the instant change it has had on the city is obvious and major. how quiet and empty the streets seem, how so much of the city is still closed, how people are feeling in reaction, is nothing short of devastating, here anyway. i can only imagine the nightmare the close friends and family of those in the towers are living right now. the look of depression that has coated the faces of almost everyone i have talked to, doesn't even begin to put this into perspective. we're a long way from that.

the damage was felt by anyone living or working below 14st street yesterday and today, as only this morning i understand, were some streets reopened to residents only. if there is power or water, i don't know. there won't be any services, and for many, no family or friends. it can't be put into words, the sorrow and hardship so many people are going through, is something we have never, ever, experienced before.

the images etched in our minds have caused emotional wounds already so deep, we're just beside ourselves, trying to in some way deal with this. i for one haven't had anything else but this tragedy on my mind since i heard that low flying plane tuesday morning. it's impossible to think of anything else at all.

the wife of the friend i'm here with was working at one of the hospitals, and she came home last night after working over 40 hours nonstop. the gruesome details she conveyed to me and her husband last night, i probably shouldn't repeat as it might just rub the wounds of some even more.

the massive loss of life, and massive number of injured people, is so great, we can still only guess and hope that most of the people working in the towers got out and away before they came down.

this morning some news show mentioned 6,000 body bags being brought in. i heard from someone else that it's now 11,000, or something. refrigerator trucks with police escorts are around, and i doubt they're filled with milk. it's not just bodies they are finding, but parts and parts of parts. i'm sure you've seen the images of the aftermath, and feel the chills as well. the thought of what it must be like to see that down there today, is so unreal i can't even begin to describe what i hear it's like in person.

the effect this has had on the rest of the country, has almost been an afterthought for me, since what is happening here is so close and felt. i'm sure there are others here who were closer to the scene than i was, and who have experienced this in a more harmful way than i can even fathom now, partly because i've felt it myself, and this seems to be all that the world consists of right now.

today, i'll try to get to my apartment to get some clothes and my laptop, maybe some other stuff, but i don't know if i want to stay there for a while yet. personally, getting out of here for a while is what i want to do, just try to come to terms with this on some level and maybe get back to life somewhere else for a while. i don't think the city is going to be anything close to the same for at least a few weeks. i'm fortunate enough to have options to leave here, and extremely fortunate to have friends in the city providing me with a place to stay so i didn't wind up in a shelter, as i suspect thousands and thousands did.

even as i write this and try to look at the past two days from a somewhat objective perspective, i'm still so shocked by it, i'm just left speechless. i have a feeling of 'what's next?' but not as in 'when do we bomb....?'

the anger that some people have expressed is very sad. even people here in the city are aggressive in their attitudes, throwing out sickening words that prove to me that they show no more compassion than whoever is responsible for this. perhaps if i were looking at this from the outside in, i would have similar feelings. but from where i am, wishing something like this upon the people of any country or ethnic/religious group, is hideous.

to me, appreciation for the truth of war has come on at least some level, and it leaves me pondering just what it would feel like to be at war. i don't want to know.

in any event, the support and caring people have provided to new york is amazing, and really touching. thousands have given blood, food, supplies, and money to help those in need. the memorials set up around the country, just brings tears to my eyes. the emotions, and feelings, of knowing that there are still thousands of people trapped under thousands of tonnes of rubble, and that so many people across the country and world recognize that, makes you appreciate that while the world has many problems, we stand by those in need, and do our best to help relieve the various hardships that needlessly came upon them.

even 5 minutes of silence at the porsche factory.

http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/ap/20010913/capt.1000380318germany_us_attacks_reax_stu102.jpg

whatever your contribution, through blood, goods, money, or just thought or prayer, you should know that it is so appreciated, thank you doesn't even scratch the surface.

this tragic event puts so much into perspective for me, and i'm sure for many others as well. at a time like this, it all boils down to your family loved ones, and being safe. the attack on all three things i think is what leaves us so devastated by this.

i'm sure i forgot hundreds of details, but thanks for reading... stay safe everyone.

<3 <3 <3 <3

jessica